Did You Miss Me?
by The Bickering Kingdom
Summary: A sequel to Hermione Help Me!, Harry and Friends write letters to Voldemort and his Death Eaters about everything from not being able to find socks to wanting to taking over the world. Set Harry's 5th year.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

Hogwarts now officially sucks and it's all Dolores Umbridge's fault. She's sp evil that briefly, I thought she was you, but after I tried to pull her nose off and hair to prove it was really you with a false nose and a wig I learnt quickly that it wasn't you.

Anyway Did you miss me? That's a stupid question I know you did.

As a way to make it up to you for not writing, I have convinced all my friends to write to you and not just you but also your Death Eaters.

I'd also like to know if Bellatrix Lestrange is your girlfriend?.

Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Lucius Malfoy,

I think you have really awesome hair. You're a massive jerk, but you have nice hair. Do you use a special type of shampoo?.

Also, I'm pretty sure Hermione and Draco are dating now if they're and he hates her I will break into your home an bite you.

I am wearing a book as a hat this has nothing to do with anything I just thought you should know.

Harry-If Draco Hurts Hermione You Will Suffer-Potter.

* * *

Dear Potter,

I was so happy when you stopped writing, but no you had to start writing to me again and ruin my happiness.

Whatever Bellatrix and I are or aren't its none of your business.

Also, did you write to Lucius? Because he's been crying for the past hour and I'm pretty sure that's a normal response from getting a letter from you.

The Dark Lord.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

The fact that Lucius is crying is really funny, I read your letter out in the Great Hall. Umbridge doesn't believe the letters are from you because she's an idiot and mean.

It is really funny when you put whipped cream on the Library floor and scream an alien did it.

Also have you have seen my blue socks?

Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Lucius Malfoy,

I am awesome and I read the letter you sent Draco. I know where you live be afraid, be very afraid.

Would you also tell Wormtail, I'm going to use him for potions ingredients and Snape is mean. I'd do it myself, but I have to go to detention in a little while.

Who knew that skateboarding through the great hall dressed up as a pumpkin while screaming insults at people would result in detention.

Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Potter,

Why would I have seen your socks?.

I'd ask you and your friends not to write to me or my Death Eaters, but I know it'd achieve nothing.

But I should warn you and your friends that when the moment comes you'll suffer terribly.

The Dark Lord.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

Me and my friends have become convinced you are father Christmas so we all going to send you a list of all the things we want nice early so you have time to get us everything.

So I want a red bicycle, a hat for Hedwig, a pair of blue socks and Umbridge eaten by a Dragon.

Harry Potter

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I want nothing for Christmas I just wanted to say if Harry says you love him really and you trying to kill him is just for show so I've decided to spread the message you love him really.

Luna Lovegood

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I want candy, cakes, lots of money, a dragon and Lucius Malfoy to dye his hair pink.

Just so you know I'm not convinced you're Father Christmas, I think you're the Easter Bunny.

Ron Weasley

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I want Wormtails heart, a blue feather, a book about cauliflower, a photo of Professor Snape and Lucius Malfoy singing into a hairbrush.

Also, I am glad you and Harry are to one another writing again, I was worried your friendship was over.

Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

We want Snape to acknowledge our awesomeness and Umbridge gone from Hogwarts.

Always Awesome Fred and George Weasley.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I don't want to write to you, but Hermione is glaring at me and she scares me.

I don't want anything apart from maybe to be better at potions.

Neville Longbottom.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I want Lucius Malfoy to apologize to me for giving me your childhood diary and a owl called pickles.

Ginny Weasley.

* * *

Dear Potter, Lovegood, all Weasley brats, Granger and Longbottom,

I am not Father Christmas. I do not love Potter, I really want to kill him and Granger you wanting Wormtails heart is a little disturbing.

Also, Lucius Malfoy has asked me to ask you stop saying Draco and Granger are a couple. Your little stunt of using Polyjuice potion to change into Draco worked well until the real Draco walked in the room to see the fake version himself saying lovey dovey stuff to Granger.

The Dark Lord.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

You lie you do love me and you are Father Christmas. Yes, we figured are prank of making Lucius think Hermione and his precious little heir were couple was over.

It wouldn't have been if Malfoy hadn't escaped from the broom cupboard but these things happen.

Harry Potter.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer:I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

A Massive thank you to my readers, reviewers an everyone who has followed/Favorited.

* * *

Dear Lucius,

I was wondering if you were interested in buying a broken quill it will cost you everything in your vault. I mean, if I were you I wouldn't buy it because it'd be an incredible waste of money for a broken quill.

If you were a Unicorn what do you think your name would be?. It wouldn't be Lucius because I have never met a unicorn called Lucius before.

I've met a Goblin called Lucius well actually his name wasn't Lucius, but I kept calling him Lucius because I thought it suited him. I can't remember what his real name was.

I think Harry knows his real name but at the moment he's hiding and I don't know where he is hiding so I can't ask him.

I don't know why he's hiding, he just left a note saying I'm going to hide.

Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Granger,

I don't want to write back to you, but the Dark Lord ordered by to and his this rule of doing as say or die.

There's nothing I care less about than the drivel you wrote in your letter and I really mean that. Please do not write to me again as I have better things to do than respond to you.

Lucius Malfoy

* * *

Dear Lucius,

I find you not caring very hurtful. I make the effort to break into your home and draw faces on the wall an you say you have better things to do than write to me.

Voldemort is nicer than you.

When the world is mine, you'll be sorry.

Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

Your buddy Lucius has hurt Hermione's feeling and he must suffer for this.

Anyway, I spent days hiding around Hogwarts it really fun but now the Professor are watching me all the time because people got worried. Well, Snape and Umbridge weren't worried but everyone else was and I can't see why I left a note.

It's raining today and Umbridge won't step foot outside of the castle I think the rain might melt her.

Did you know that making Muggles believe it is a zombie apocalypse is frowned upon and people shout at you if you do it.

Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

I am not coming to potions tomorrow as I have to plant the last Trufflla seed. I also won't be doing any homework for the foreseeable future because I am too busy killing zombies and aliens.

My little toe hurts and I think I'm getting a spot.

Hermione told me to tell you to tell Lucius Malfoy that he is mean and she's planning to break into home and leave a ham sandwich under every pillow.

Ron- Zombie and Alien Killer- Weasley


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I am extremely bored and I really wish that Hogwarts was not a castle, but a giant swimming pool.

Yesterday Hermione and I built a fort out books in the library an it was really awesome until Umbridge saw it and gave me detention which sucked.

Hermione says we should get a dragon to eat Umbridge and I agree, but Ron says we should let her be eaten by werewolves, which I also agree so I'm slightly torn about what should eat Umbridge.

Did I ever tell you that I like drawing robots I'm pretty sure I have told you before.

Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Potter,

Why is that you feel need to write to me about utter nonsense?. Surely you can find something more interesting like maybe I don't go build a mountain out of glitter or annoy someone who isn't me.

Also, your friend Granger keeps sending threats that make no sense to my Death Eaters please tell her to stop and also ask how she intends to make everyone who isn't her eat trolls snot.

If you do have to annoy someone associated with me annoy Lucius because I'm sure he will do something to annoy me very soon.

The Dark Lord.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I like writing to you it soothes me and I very happy to annoy Lucius as I nearly died, my second year because of that jerk and you of course.

But I know your trying to kill me days are over because we are now friends.

Hermione says she'll write to you herself how she intends to make everyone eat trolls snot. She also says she won't stop sending threats that make no sense to your Death Eaters.

She says that writing threats that make no sense to people she doesn't like is her hobby.

Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

You asked Harry to ask me how I intend to make everyone eat trolls snot and my answer is that it's none of your business.

Also, why do psychics ask people what their names are they are supposed to be psychics shouldn't they already know people's names.

It makes me doubt they are really psychic.

I'm also very hungry right now I really want some ice cream.

I think it'd be really awesome if you just suddenly declared you wanted to give up being a Dark Lord and decided you wanted to move to the moon too breed sheep.

Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Granger,

I find, difficult to choose who is more insane you or Potter. I do find it strange that the adults around you have not tried to seek some sort of professional help for the pair of you, but then again everyone in the wizarding world is good about being in denial about what's going on around them, maybe that is what's happening to adults around you.

It also shocks me that I keep losing to you people when I am clearly more intelligent and more powerful.

The Dark Lord.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

Hermione and Harry both equally insane, I however am only slightly insane.

Ron Weasley.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I just built a glitter mountain in the Great Hall and I am amazed that no one stopped me doing it, then again,it could be that it is the middle of the night and no one is around to stop me.

The glitter is red and gold, both Ron and Hermione helped me build the glitter mountain and it was really fun to build.

I really hope that everyone likes it as much as I do.

Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

The reason you keep losing against us is because we have a secret weapon, pineapples.

Harry is very upset because everyone didn't love the glitter mountain we built so he's going to build a mountain out of cheese.

I am very sleepy, I think iit'sbecause I was awake half the night building a glitter mountain.

Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Lucius,

Hogwarts has ghosts and I like ice cream.

Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Potter,

I really don't care.

The Dark Lord

* * *

Dear Weasley,

I agree with you.

The Dark Lord.

* * *

Dear Granger,

You are really annoying and once again I do not care about the things you do or the things Potter does.

The Dark Lord.

* * *

Dear Granger,

I was already aware there are ghosts at Hogwarts and do not care that you like ice cream.

The only thing I care about is the fact I am forced to reply to you and the rest of your moronic friends.

I also care about the fact that my sister in law wants to kill me and the Dark Lord does nothing to stop her. Just because she went to Azkaban for him she's his favourite well she was his favourite before then.

Lucius Malfoy.

* * *

Dear Lucius,

Well, maybe if you hadn't denied that you were willingly a Death Eater then Voldemort would be more concerned if you died or not.

I mean, if I were Voldemort my feelings would be really hurt.

Hermione- I am awesome- Granger.

* * *

Dear Lucius,

It is I the awesome Harry Potter leader of the pineapples.

I made a glitter mountain and people didn't like it, I built a cheese mountain people don't like that either.

People are mean about the things I build.

Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Granger and Potter,

First off I did not deny I was willingly a Death Eater I just lied through my teeth and bribed a bunch of people to avoid going to Azkaban.

Secondly, why are you not in class learning things instead of building glitter and cheese mountains. Don't you ever do any school work because from what I've heard from Draco you seem to spend your days doing ridiculous childish things.

Lucius Malfoy.

* * *

Dear Lucius,

We would love to learn things, but unfortunately Umbridge has turned Hogwarts into a place were getting an education is impossible.

If Voldemort would just tell everyone that his back, then we could get Umbridge out of here and get a decent Education.

The awesome Harry Potter and Hermione Granger.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers.

* * *

Dear Bellatrix,

Are you Voldemort's girlfriend?.

I'm very bored right now and I thought to myself you can either write to Bellatrix Lestrange or do your homework an I chose to write to you because it is was the fun option.

I used to enjoy homework then she who looks like a toad came to Hogwarts and ruined the place.

Sirius told me to tell you that he escaped Azkaban on his own and you had help so he's better than you.

My friend Neville really hates you not that I blame him because what you did his parents was horrible.

Professor Snape is really mean, I asked him to read to my cat but he refused. Which I find really insulting as I took the time to break into his quarters and shave his eyes brows while he slept.

You know who else is mean? Lucius Malfoy. He is always saying how he doesn't care about the things going on in my life.

Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Granger,

Even though you are a filthy little Mudblood I hate both Snape and Malfoy. Why my sister had to breed with a Malfoy and then make Snape the godfather is a mystery.

My relationship with the Dark Lord is none of your business. Tell my cousin, I plan to kill him very soon, then childishly gloat about it.

The Dark Lord tells me you're insane, I like insane people. I hate you because you're a filthy little Mudblood but I like you because you're insane.

Bellatrix Lestrange.

* * *

Dear Bellatrix,

I told Sirius and he laughed about your threat.

Sirius would like to know if you are still as crazy as you were before you went to Azkaban.

I got into a fight with a red sock today because it was looking at me funny.

My friend Harry is hiding again and my friend Ron won't help set fire to things.

Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Granger,

Tell Sirius I was not insane before I went to Azkaban and I am not insane now.

I once got into a fight with a chair well, technically I got into with Lucius, who sitting in the chair before moving the little coward and I thought I might as well the chair instead.

Ron is one of the many Weasleys beats isn't he?. Make him help you set fire to things.

Bellatrix Lestrange

P.S I plan to kill you all very slowly and very painfully.

* * *

Dear Bellatrix,

I know you don't really mean it when you threaten to kill us all. Yes, Ron is a Weasley and I took your advice and threatened Ron into helping me and it worked.

Hermione Granger.

* * *

Dear Lucius Malfoy,

Beware of Nargles, and pass the warning on.

Luna Lovegood.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

Beware of Nargles, and pass the message on.

Luna Lovegood.

* * *

Dear Bellatrix,

Hermione told me that you're the one who told her to threaten me. Hermione is bad enough on her own without you giving her ideas.

I'm just lucky that Harry is hiding and wasn't there to egg her on.

Ron Weasley.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

Last night I contacted your mother again via Ouija board she told me to tell you that she's proud of you and it's time to settle down an get a wife you are not getting any younger. I tried telling her that she's dead and doesn't get a say in your life, but what can I say she is a very argumentive woman. I talked to your father for a while too, but I am too much of gentleman to repeat the message he gave me. I don't think he has forgiven you for the whole killing him thing.

I also took the time to contact Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor, which was rather interesting because apparently Salazar didn't have a problem with Muggleborns in fact he married one and he has no idea,where people got the idea that he he and Godric never fell out the reason he left Hogwarts was to go on holiday and the reason he didn't return was because he died a tragic but hilarious death that I promised never to reveal.

So basically the majority of the problems of the wizarding world is because of something that isn't true.

Harry Potter.

* * *

Dear Potter,

Tell my mother, I'll do whatever I want and tell my father, I wish he were alive so I could kill him again.

Yeah, I already knew the truth about Salazar and Godric I just didn't say anything because basically I just didn't want to.

The Dark Lord.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I'd say I'm surprised that you would say nothing and choose to use the lie as a way to get others to follow you, but after speaking to your parents nothing anything anyone in your family does shocks me.

Anyway, I'm off to help the pineapples defeat the lemons so they can take back mash potato mountain.

Harry Potter.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

Dear Voldemort,

Somebody set loose a bunch of toads in Umbridge's classroom and I immediately got blamed. I mean it was me, but it's hurtful that everyone always blames me.

Anyway, how are you?

I heard you lost your favourite flamingo and you were really sad about it. I hope you're coping with your sadness.

Harry Potter

Dear Brat,

I have far more important things to do than write to you, but Bellatrix is glaring at me right now because Granger wrote to her and said I hadn't replied.

Their weird growing friendship is really freaking me out.

The Dark Lord

Dear Voldy Poo,

I am not a brat, I am an awesome ninja. I think Hermione and Bellatrix are plotting to team up, and conquer the world.

If they do, I hope they make me lord of the pandas.

You ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you my dream job is lord of the pandas. My second dream is job is being a soul collector for the Grim Reaper who is called Bob McBob Apple.

Anyway, enough about me, it's time to talk about what happened to Ron in the year 2099. He ate a pineapple and it gave him superpowers.

Lord of the Pandas Potter

Dear Voldemort,

Did Harry tell you that I have superpowers now?

He said he did, but he also he said that he was going to tell Dumbledore about the screechy fish vampires and he didn't do it.

Which, if he had then the owl and turtle war could have been avoided.

Anyhow, I must dash I have to go use my new powers to destroy the sweetcorn Demi god.

Ron- I have awesome powers - Weasley

Dear Voldemort,

I like sandwiches on Monday, but never on a Sunday because Sunday's are evil. It's the most evil day of the week. Anyone who says it isn't is a lying toad snogging poop eater.

I saw a bird today that looked like a frog. Actually, I think it might have been a frog, but we will never know for sure.

You know it'd be really cool if you and Harry sung about chickens together the next time you meet.

I like chocolate chip cookies and mustard.

Bye.

Hermione.

Dear Brat, Red haired brat, Miss Granger,

I really don't care about any of the tripe you waffle on about in your letters. Yet you will continue to write to me anyway.

Couldn't you just annoy my Death Eaters with your prattle tomorrow. I mean they hate your letters more than I do.

The Dark Lord. 


End file.
